Tanya's Journey

A house for souls, Always empty Never full. Recurrent dream, Echoing hallways, Abandoned rooms, I, the only witness. Rooms, interconnected. Interwoven, As the souls should be. They've been empty, For far too long. A new dream. A grand hall. White, pristine, Lived in. I wake up, startled. Can't recall this home. I think back, My vision shifts and I see. I see . The hallway from before, No longer empty. The house of souls is full. And there you are, With your backpack, Full, full, fuller. The doc is checking me, And I smile softly while you pack, As if, We're leaving, For a very long time. The house of souls, Was once full. Of laughter. Of love. Of peace. But my soul family is here, And the house of souls is empty, Once again

I sit here, on the verge of an anxiety attack, of proportions I've never known. Panic flutters inside of me, as my poised fingers shake. I need help. I can't get through this alone.  But I must. I have no one to blame. It was my choice. I wanted to pry myself out of my comfort zone. Fling myself out in the open. With no safety net. Can't afford one. Because I might back down. But they depend on me. Look up at me. Expect I have all the answers. But I don't. Oh, gods, I don't. I want to forget about this whole mess. I want to go home. I want to curl up with them. And stay in the comfort of my world. The familiarity of it. I can't. I must try. Because when asked, Why do you want to live, I answered, There's so much out there to discover! And there is my answer. There's so much out there to discover.

When someone dies, someone you truly love, your heart breaks. It rips, scatters into millions of tiny pieces. Fragments, memories, of who that person was to you. The pieces spread about, still contained inside your rib cage, fluttering, unsure how to go on. Then time passes, and the lonely pieces find their way back. They huddle together. Stitches keep them in place. And they've worked so hard to come together, that they don't realise parts are missing. They only remember, only see, the good. They no longer wish to hold memories of Harsh words. Hurt feelings. Broken emotions. Heartbreak. Those memories are still there, though. Hidden beneath the stitches. The stitches that bind them together.

So much has changed, And yet, Not enough. I knew you loved me. I also knew you held back. And I let you. I let you. Because I didn't know what else to do. I was so busy chasing after.. everything. And anything. To avoid thinking. Avoid reflecting. Avoid bringing up, This love between us. The love we both felt. Strongly. But, Differently . For so long, I didn't know who I was Without you. I still don't know. It took me so long to start climbing. Again. On my own. And I still don't know. But I'm learning. We were both at fault in this. All of this. So much past hurt. It bled into our present. And our future. We had to stop. The pain was too much. Too much. Especially considering how much We loved each other. Love each other. So much has changed. But not that.

Ed croons, " I'm on my way." Since April, That's how long I've felt you Coming. And I feel it'll be early September. The 5th, I'm sure. Anticipation grows. And I dream Of everything you'll be, To me. September 5th comes and goes, And you aren't here. I'm worried. I'm panicked. I'm freaking out. What happened? What did I do wrong? I struggle. My heart's tied in knots. I was wrong, so wrong. Can't breathe. Then, I stop. Force myself to breathe, Till my mind clears. Force myself to Page. Till my mind clears. I write till my heart loosens. Till it clears. And I realise, How much pressure, I'd put on us, Even though we hadn't met. I realised I'd stopped moving, Till you caught up with me. I need to move forward, You'll catch up, When the time is right. In the meantime, Ed still sings, " I'm on my way."